spooky

2:32AM - remember, when things get bad, i go quiet..

Incomplete list of things that happened in november: I got evicted, the crack in my back widens causing more hospital stays and bills... My job decides that until I have my back surgery, I shouldn't work at all.... Even though I am physically unable to excersize, I have dropped 20 pounds because I only get to eat a few times a week.... And the past few days have been the best... Because my car died *and* my phone got shut off. So now I get to await the arrival of the insurence card because I'm in so much pain that words can't be assigned to it... But where will I be when the insurence card comes?? Who knows where I'll be living in a few days... I would say my car, but that's dead now as well and winter is in full force up here. So, there it is. Sorry I don't post anymore, but you guys hate when I'm "negative", and yet when you aren't eating, are in pain, aren't sure where you'll be sleeping next week, and can't drive *or* walk much, are in constant pain, have no phone, and are starving half the time, there isn't really much to discuss. Hope those that dislike me are having a ball with this information. I can't even get library books. I fucking owe the library money. And what do I have to look forward to?? The day I get the card so I can have a surgeon slice into my spine and remove part of my tailbone. And the couple of months of agony after. *thats* ALL I have going for me at the moment. So I'm just gonna go crawl back in my hole of shit now. Good luck to you all. Karma is a myth. Nice people finish last, if they finish at all. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Etc, etc.

11:15PM - i am absolutely convinced....

That they are trying to get me fired or make me quit at work mere weeks before I'm eligable for my insurence. I was out because of my back.. They wouldn't let me back without a doctors note. I'm without food, basics, and am days away from living in my car, but I managed to finally find someone who cared enough to lend just enough to get the doctors note, so I can
return to work. I return, and they only gave me one shift for the week. I ask if I can pick up others, but they say no because "they don't wanna push it" (with my back). They call me in, finally, and I use the last of my money to get enough gas to get there, only to be told I wasn't needed after all and I can't return until I have new work clothes. So now, I'm stranded, days away from eviction, and the same job that said I was soooo needed, valued, and loved there are fucking me up the ass and using every excuse under the sun to make it impossible for me bloody work. I'll save you the details, but I am 99 and 1/2 % sure the company is trying to save themselves money and the big boys upstairs have been pressuring my bosses and their boss to squeeze me out before I cost them a bundle in medical bills. Fanfuckingtastic

5:53PM - i havent posted because i havent wanted to bum anybody out

But in a nutshell, I'm about to lose *everything*. The fracture in my back has caused so much pain that I haven't been to work in *weeks*. I'm a hop, skip, and a jump away from being evicted, losing my job, which would include losing the insurence I have been working in pain just to get for months. I can count the meals I've had in the last couple weeks on one hand. In short, I'm truly fucked and see no way out. The end.

6:14AM - this is *truly* a tmfi post

And it deals with disgusting and/or private things, such as menstration, drugs, and orgasms, so ( if I were you, and didn't want to read such personal and gross things about my life, I would just skip this post ) I know this anecdote was in poor taste, and tomorrow I'll blame all the morphine in my system, but to me, it was too fucking funny to not share. With heavy and sincere apologies. Heh.

4:03PM - jesus fucking christ!!!

robert and i have an ongoing joke... what it basically boils down to is that he's sort of a naughty person and yet his luck is UNBELIEVABLE!!! literally, he just hopes for something abstract, on a whim, and it happens... while i am a genuinely good person.. nice, generous, and big hearted...and yet my luck is SO BLOODY BAD that i must have been hitler in a previous life..

well.. here's yet some more proof to back up our theory:

( the story of how a good deed of mine just fucked us out of a thousand dollars )
so yeah.. robert just texted me.. "see, this is what happened: my fantastic luck made it that one of our tickets won the raffle... but your stupidly horrible luck made it so the ticket you bought for my SISTER won instead of one of ours..."

and he's right.. for being such a kinda bad ass, great things happen to him... and for someone that tries so hard to be so nice, the world just sort of shits on me...
no groceries.. no meds... rent two weeks late... and i just won somebody *else* 1000 fucking dollars...
maybe i should just start being an asshole.... good things might happen for me then...

i'm happy for her though.... just kinda sucks for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8CdBcUE8SQ

12:42PM - vinnie's visit

so last weekend, vince drove up to baltimore and stayed the weekend with ro and i..



( and i'm just gonna stick to the more positive aspects of our visits.. )

so that was the week that was... more horrible stuff happened since, but i'm trying to not dwell or complain so i'll just end this entry now before i start to go off again..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syMjvdK2wDo
song from our breakfast

2:04AM - robert and i are in the midst of yet another arguement

And he knows I'm making this post to get everyones opinion but he said "but don't tell them we're arguing because they'll all just side with you. We were talking about how I don't like his friends (mostly losers) and I said "we can hang out with tony, I just don't like the texting and talking all day, everyday" and he says "why not" and I answered "because its not healthy". He says "what's not healthy" and I said "being an adult and having friends you talk to on the phone many times everyday" and he says "you say its not healthy and yet you are the *only* person I know that has no friends that they talk to on a regular basis (ouch. This hurt me, but I didn't say so). So I said "bullshit!!" And he says "ask ten people at work if they have friend(s) they talk to *every* day, multiple times" and I said "I'll do one better, I'll make a post and ask everyone" and he said "but don't tell them we're arguing because then they will just side with you" so now, you are caught up and I ask the question: are there people you talk to repeatedly every day. Or am I just such a loner recluse.. "Abnormal" and "unheathy"??

2:24AM - license to nag

New rule: the boyfriend has now agreed that my triple checking everything is a good thing and I no longer have to bite my tongue when it comes to checking and rechecking his actions/activies. "Did you turn off the coffee make?", "ro, did you remember to call back so and so?", "don't forget the lunch I packed you", etc. "Dinah, I'm a grown up! I've got this!! Quit nagging me!!" So I've agreed to stop making sure he remembered the obvious, even though its for his own good, because he needs constant reminders. "Dinah, cut it out!! You worry too much!! Stop being so obsessive compulsive. Would you just trust me? Relax, I'll take care of everything. Remember, *i'm* the dom." Le sigh. Something told me when he got back into the car at the bank to ask "do you have your receipt?? So you have the bloody *bank card*??' ...but I had promised to stop reminding him, or as he calls it, nagging. Well, fastforward 5 hours. "Robert, I just hit empty and I don't have any cash on me. We need to put 5 in the tank on your card." And that's when he reached for his card, which wasn't there.... Because he had left it in the atm... We had to borrow a fiver to put in the tank..went to the bank, and of course the card was long gone.... And that's when I said "now do you see?? I'm not nagging you. I'm thinking of things that just don't occur to you. You just forget about all these 'small' detail and get angry when I remind you, but look what happened!! If I had reminded you, we wouldn't be in this situation and some theif would be out there having dinner on us". We have next to nothing and then he's frivilous and careless with the little we -do- have. Writing about it here saves me from venting to him, making him feel worse, and making a bad situation even worse.

4:45AM - "why do you revolve around me??"

Got asked out by a couple at work tonight. I get hit on a lot. And I'm not even all that attractive. It just goes with the territory. Bartending is only part mixology. The other part is a complex social lie. I always got offended when someone refered to me as a bartender who writes. I always thought I was a writer that tended bar. I feel much more 'at home' alone, in my head, thinking and messing around with words. And not so much words, as the emotions and imagery behind certain words when aranged a certain way. The "real" me is rather quiet and full of ideas. The "true" me has a stack of books on her nightstand and each one takes me further into a different life I live, piece by piece, page by page. The "honest" me is formal yet warm, caring yet detached. But this person I put on in the morning.. this woman that I wear all day... The one that mixes their drinks and listens to their woes is so far removed from who I really am that I'm often forced to stop in amazement at how well I preform the role. My chatter is a well oiled machine at this point and its nothing to be proud of. Its sort of pathetic, really.. Anyway, but the synthetic confident -work mode- dinah looks exactly like the private inner self dinah on the outside... So when a couple comes into my bar and says they want to take me home and bed me, well.. something on the secret inside smiles a small smile.

2:53PM - why i am not a mother.

( I am laying on a couch eating pb and j and watching scooby doo with a four year old ) I am *really* bad at this. I don't know why kids like me so much. I don't know how to talk to them.

little keith

2:24PM - get to know fellow members of my friends list

here are some questions out of one of the books i'm reading...

with my answers.. answer any, all, or none, if it pleases you..

1)if you could own any single object that you don't have now, what would it be..
( be honest... you all can't get to know each other if you lie )

there ya go.. some interesting questions that i either made up or got from a book.
and if you have any interesting/thought provoking questions that would help us to get to know each other better, please feel free to add it, because i find learning more about you guys fascinating.

dinah z. donovon

10:28AM - fighting for the rights of my cell phone..

i try very hard to live and live... i have been called a 'pascifist', a 'pushover', 'submissive', 'peacemaker', and 'aloof'... and while at any given moment i admit to being all or none of these things, i do admit that i try to keep everyone around me happy and the quickest way to do such is just to go along with people's wishes... but when you try to take away my cell phone, well, then you've just gone too far and that's when i snap..
( this tiny little box of technology is my only contact with whom and what i love most.. )

and now for something completely different...

( here are some of the pics from my birthday last month.. )

and that was the week that was.

3:36AM - "you made me very proud to be your girlfriend today...."

I have no problem pimping out my scary looking s.o. to help my girlfriends when they are in distress. ( my coworker maureen is just 18... ) Karma may not be instant, but these days, I'll take what I can get.

4:10AM - ok, my brethren..

Death arrives in the middle of the night and thanks you for your dreams... As a reward, he says he is going to tell you a secret. You can choose one of two things: knowing when you are going to die... Or knowing how you are going to die. You cannot learn both and he'd be insulted if you said "neither". Which do you want to know?? The reason you die or the day?? I pondered this for awhile, but want to hear your answers before I share mine. Please tell me why you made your choice.

1:56PM - just finished at the doctors..

Where I thought I would get the first injection in my spine. I was told they could not do this without an mri.. Which is about 800 dollars I do not have. So let's review: sciattica, fractured tailbone, nerve damage, and now doctor thinks slipt disc. So I am pretty much screwed. O wait, I forgot.. I'm *not* screwed. Screwing is too painful an activity for me to properly partake of.

12:53PM - goodbye roaring twenties

well, i took a whole bunch of pics on my birthday last weekend to share with you, but my phone doesn't want to cooperate and let me post them.. because i was going to post those pics along with this playlist... an official goodbye to my 20s post (wasn't anything huge.. i worked a double.. i was just surprised by the amount of cards, flowers, books, candies, and whatnot that all my regulars gave me, so i took alot of pictures..)

so since i cannot do that, i just whipped up a quick slideshow of the last pictures of me and my surroundings as a woman in her twenties...

and since i recently made and posted a playlist of what i have been listening to, this playlist is short... just what i was listening to during my last month or so in my supposed prime.




i hope my 30s will be a more gentle and peaceful time in my life... because the past ten years have been rather... well... 'difficult' for me.

a huge thanks to everybody for the phonecalls, texts, emails, gifts, cards, well wishes, and nods of rememberence. meant alot to me.

dinah

1:46AM

Two more hours left in my twenties being spent in agony and despair. At least the decades been consistant.

6:59AM - subjugate

Things have become quite unpleasant for me and I'm becoming afraid of the mess I may have gotten myself into. The wisdom of age: I still do the things I ought not do to myself and my life... The only difference is I have the good sense to become alarmed in advance and anxious about the whirlwind about to come.

1:39AM - my fathers accident

Think what you wish about my parents, they are still some of the most interesting people I've ever met. ( it was when he was thrown thirty feet and midair that my father memorized the drunk hit and run drivers license tag number ) lessons my father taught me.

12:02PM - the end is near...

( and so, the second opinion concurs with the first... i have to have surgery )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyEPnFToP3o

quote of the day: "Dinah, you do have the soul of a poet which although evoking an image of romanticism also contains within it the pain of restless sensitivity."

and it was this very restlessness that has become my undoing...